And now, just for fun before we get started with this blog, a pic of one of my discoveries to shamelessly plug my up and coming reality series DISCOVER ME! Click the link to see video of Jesselynn Desmond from the pilot. Jess is Lucy for the 21st Century: Beautiful yet funny as hell.
OK, on with the blog: Walking Sophia this morning on my way to mooch a free coffee at the Archstone leasing office, I ran into one of my real life neighbors, who we'll call Bob.
Bob is a fitness trainer. He's six foot two of lean muscle, capped off by shaved bald chrome dome.
Funny thing Bob's Chihuahua is grossly overweight and this embarrasses the hell out of Bob.
Bob always apologizs for his fat dog. Today Bob commented, "You'd think a fitness trainer would do a better job keeping his dog in shape. Poor little Courtney begs for food constantly. I can't resist feeding her."
Thinking Bob was worried I'd think less of him as a fitness guru because of his fat dog, I offered, "Yep. My Sophia's a huge beggar too. Any time I head for the fridge she's right behind me."
Sophia is 2 now and her metabolism is already changing. She was starting to put on some weight until I cut back on her snacks. Now she's almost perfect weight again.
I'm the one who's fat in this dog/human relationship.
So Bob looks down at fairly slim Sophia, back at his fat little Courtney and back over to Sophia and says somewhat appolegetically as he hurries off, "Well, have a great day."
As I walk up the trail I'm struck with an idea for a screenplay. As you're seeing this shit happens every day in my life. I'm busy today so I don't know how far I'll get into the story.
Many times, like this one, I don't actually know if the story would end up as a short or feature. I'm an organic writer who writes from a flow and the story forms as I write. I know structure but many times, fuck me, this style of writing leads to big dead ends.
And so I have written hundreds of story ideas I get like today's. To get them out my overactive brain I just toss them in a file. But let's have some fun together, dear reader, and see where my overactive imagination takes us.
The premise of the story and this blog (proof the idea's mine, you fucking idea thieves out there):
A fat man, a runs into a pair of shady Japanese gangsters, Yakuzas. The Yakuza are pedaling a "get rich quick" scam to make Americans thin again. The Yakuza's do this through what they have dubbed DORIAN DOGS, magical dogs that get fat while you can still eat all the fucking bad American food you want and get thin.
The theater lights in your mind dim. The opening creds for Overactive Imagination Pictures flicker to life on the silver screen in blazing 3-D.
(Cut and paster this link to listen to my new Blip.Fm/7yrsinHollywood DJ station on a fresh window if you want music for this blog.)
You quickly grab your 3-D glasses out of your popcorn box and... Action.
By Ken Sheetz
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD., CHINESE THEATER- DAY
A pair of JAPANESE YAKUZA TOURISTS pose beside a SNOW WHITE CHARACTER ACTOR.
BOB, a 320 pound blob of a 25-year-old man, waves the Japanese gansters closer together.
The pair of Yakuza flash big shark-like smiles.
Bob snaps the shot. At the moment Bob does however a SMARTASS leaps into frame in the background, flashing both "fuck you" fingers.
Shit. Some jerk flipped you off. Need a do-over.
(speaks broken English)
What means do-over?
(speaks perfect English)
Like it sounds, stupid. We do the shot over.
Yaku #1 goes for his gun.
Shot?! Where?! Where?!
Yakuza #2 restrains Yakuza #1 before the gun is pulled.
I should have left your stupid ass in Tokyo.
The picture. Fat boy! Take the pic again.
Deeply offended, Bob nods grimly.
Fine, long as I get an extra tip.
Yakuza #1 shouts in Snow White's face.
What?! I no pay extra! No my fault, bitch!
Snow White shoves Yakuza #1 on his ass.
Easy, Snow White. My cheapskate pal doesn't
know what "bitch" means. Here, one hundred
American bucks to take the pic with us.
Cool. For another hundo you get a BJ.
Double for you, jerk.
Still deal. Ha! Joke on you American
money not worth much no more!
Joke's on you. It's gonna be a lousy
Snow White glares at Bob.
Can we get this the fuck over with?
Yakuza #2 slaps Snow White a wad of cash.
Take picture good this time! Or
I put curse on you, fat boy!
He's not kidding. Iso is what
you Yankees'd call a Warlock, fatso.
Bob goes red faced but manages to keep his cool.
Name's Bob. Move closer together.
I'm going in tight in case that dickhead
dives into your shot again.
Snow White and the Japanese duo huddle together.
Yakuza #1` cops a feel as Bob clicks the shot.
Snow White kicks Yakuza #1 in the balls in freeze frame.
EXT. JOHNNY ROCKETS - DAY
Bob sits alone on the counter stools. His fat ass hangs over the tiny stool as he wolfs into a double decker cheese burger. Bob washes it all down as he downs a vanilla milkshake in a single chug.
A camera flashes. It's Yakuza #1, ISO, taking the shot.
Ha! You so fat butt hang over stool!
Fuck me. Thought I lost you gents.
Yakuza #2, BENI, takes the stool beside Bob.
Bob, we felt bad calling you fat --
Coulda fooled me. Your pigedon English
pal just called me fat again.
Bob fattest man Iso ever meet!
Iso, just shut the fuck up and let
me make this up please.
OK. But Bob super fat.
How'd you like to be thin, Bob?
What you got fat between fat ears?
Thin, Bob. Svelt. Trim. Fit.
I get it. I get it. -- Shit. I wish
to God I hadn't have emptied the
fridge last night and ended
up meeting you bastards.
In fact, getting Americans thin
is why Iso and I crossed the Pacific to be here.
So many fat Americans Iso get rich, rich rich!
Many blow jobs from American bitches.
ISO draws a dagger look from Bob.
I'm happy with my weight, thanks.
Iso and Beni burst out in raucous laughter.
Ha! Ha! You lie, fat, fatso American!
Bob hangs his head and burst into blubbering tears.
Ha! Ha! I make fat boy cry!
Bob hides his sobbing faces in his fat arms.
Come, with us, Bob. We can help, my
fat America friend. We can make you
Get lost. You jerks are just
making fun of me.
Get thin and the girls will love you.
Thin to win, bro! Many blow jobs!
Bob belches as he ponders.
END COLD OPEN FOR "DORIAN DOG"